The competitors are in the arena.
The matches have been booked.
The introductions have been made.
The crowd is amped up and ramped up.
So, without further delay, let’s get ready to rumble!
MATCH ONE: DRACULA (1) vs PENNYWISE (16)
VS
A classic match-up of Old School Ghoul versus New School Ghoul. They would appear to be pretty evenly paired as far as physical strength goes, but it doesn’t take long for an old veteran to spot the upstart’s weakness.
The fact is that Pennywise’s power is predicated on fear, which is why he primarily hunts children. So, unless Pennywise can transform into a crucifix or a sunrise, Drac isn’t going to fear him very much.
Without being able to charge up on fear juice, the killer clown is just as doomed against one nosferatu as he was against seven preteens.
WINNER: DRACULA (1)
MATCH TWO: THE WOLFMAN (2) vs FRED KRUEGER (15)
VS
If this fight takes place purely in the real world, the Wolfman tears through Kruger as quickly as if the latter were nothing more than the slice of pizza that he resembles. But Fred is canny enough to find a way to take their battle into dreamland, where he’ll have home field advantage.
At this point, though, Fred runs into a similar problem as Pennywise did. He killed children in life and teens in post-life, and he was damn good at it. But Wolfie is a grown-ass man and his subconscious, where Krueger has found much success against insecure pubescents, has a grown-ass monster wolf prowling about in it. Old Freddy Knife-Fingers looses in both realms.
WINNER: THE WOLFMAN (2)
MATCH THREE: FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER (3) vs MICHAEL MYERS (14)
VS
Michael is far more aggressive, and has racked up a far greater body count that the Creature over the years. I mean, Frank would rather babysit a little girl than stalk and kill her babysitter and said-babysitter’s school chums.
So the murderous Shatner fanboy would come out swinging…or stabbing, I suppose. He’ll put a bunch of holes in the Creature, but Dr. Frankenstein knows how to construct a damn durable dude. It took a flaming collapsing windmill to put the Creature down once, and they had to explode a whole castle laboratory around him to stop him the second time.
Eventually, Capt. Boltneck will get fed up and toss Michael into the river like he was a little girl picking flowers.
WINNER: FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER (3)
MATCH FOUR: LEATHERFACE (4) vs ZOMBIE (13)
VS
In our shortest, and most lopsided, match of the night the zombie hungrily inquires “Brains?” to which Leatherface – thinking the undead a snob for only wanting to eat the caviar of the human body – fires up his chainsaw and promptly turns his opponent into rotten cold cuts.
WINNER: LEATHERFACE (4)
MATCH FIVE: JASON VOORHEES (5) vs THE THING (12)
VS
Neigh-invulnerable and strong as hell, Jason would jump out on The Thing fast early on. He’ll be hacking and slashing his way to an early victory before Thingie figure our how to use his greatest strength to his advantage. In a stunning twist, it’s revealed that The Thing located Pamela Voorhees and absorbed her corpse prior to the match!
Since Jason is not one to chop up mama, he stops his attack. This allows all the pieces that JayJay already hacked off to attack him from all sides, leaving the primary mass of alien ass-kickery to finish the job. And, just like that, we have our first upset of the night!
WINNER: THE THING (12)
MATCH SIX: THE TERMINATOR (6) vs ALIEN QUEEN (11)
VS
With guns, the Terminator makes short work of our royal xenomorph. But, as laid out in our previous entry, no guns are allowed here, so the Austrian Android has to get down and dirty in this fight.
Queenie would scrape off much of Schwarzenator’s synthetic flesh with her claws but, as designed, the murder machine will keep coming after her. This one gets nasty, as Queen Xeno gets torn apart limb-from-limb. But she does nearly as much damage to the Terminator as her acid blood burns through flesh and metal alike.
In the end, the Bionic Bludgeoner finishes the job, but he’ll be in really rough shape for Round Two.
WINNER: THE TERMINATOR (6)
MATCH SEVEN: PREDATOR (7) vs BRUNDLEFLY (10)
VS
We’re rolling with the half-transformed Brundlefly here, so he’s still got much of his genius intellect intact. While one might think that’s an advantage here, it’s actually quite the opposite. Brundlefly has a very inquisitive mind, hence his ill-fated teleportation experiment, so he wouldn’t be able to resist asking Predator a million questions about his physiology, his homeworld, his likes and hobbies, and so forth.
The only reason Big P waits so long to tear out his opponent’s spine is because he’s not sure whether to actually consider him a threat. Ultimately, he decided that he may die of boredom if this continues, and so he adds a human/fly hybrid to his trophy collection.
WINNER: PREDATOR
MATCH EIGHT: REAGAN MACNEIL (8) vs PINHEAD (9)
VS
This is a tricky one because it’s entirely possible that Pazuzu – the demon possessing Reagan – is actually Pinhead’s boss. That aside, both take a keen interest in torturing poor Reagan and, as a result, Pinhead ends up victorious.
WINNER: PINHEAD (9)
And with that, our Round Two match-ups look like this:
Dracula (1) vs The Thing (12)
The Wolfman (2) vs Pinhead (9)
Frankenstein’s Monster (3) vs Predator (7)
Leatherface (4) vs The Terminator (6)
Tune in next time to see the results of Round Two: The Evil Eight!